The talk that everyone dreads
Mary Medland
Maybe it was due to a parent falling and breaking a hip. Or perhaps it was the recurring short-term memory loss.
Whatever that catalyst, for many adults with aging parents, the time may eventually come when you need to have a conversation with them about moving to an assisted living facility. It's a dialogue that no one looks forward to, but for many, it is inevitable.
"Assisted living is a residence where one pays a monthly fee ... the purpose is for people living there to have some oversight of their activities of daily living and to encourage them to socialize with others as much as possible," says Karen Kauffman, Ph.D., R.N., an associate professor at the University of Maryland School of Nursing and president of Life Passages Care Consultants Inc. "Usually they have a private bedroom and bath, as well as a nursing staff whose services are more extensive than in an independent retirement community."
What to say?
Kauffman recommends that adult children need to point out to the parent that they are seeing changes in their ability to navigate everyday life. But, it is important, she points out, to bring the parents into the conversation. "They need to make the decision themselves, and their self-determination needs to be respected," she says. "But if they say 'Absolutely not,' there's not much that can be done."
However, Kauffman recommends several tips that can be helpful to everyone involved.
- When parents reject the idea, don't give up. "You may have to have the conversation more than once ... but it is important keep the communication going," says Kauffman.
- Arrange for a tour and a meal at several facilities. That will give parents to see people socializing and what the food is like.
- Bear in mind that many in this generation think of nursing homes as horrible places. They really don't understand that these are up-to-date facilities with staff that really care about the residents.
When to take charge
While Kauffman emphasizes while the decision should be the parent's, there are times when adult children have to be assertive. "If the parents are a danger to themselves or others, you will have to intervene," she says. "For example, if someone puts a pot on to boil and forgets it is there, that's a real hazard.
"But do not trick your parents ... don't put them in a car and take them to the facility with no prior explanations."
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